Can't believe I've kept this blog alive since 2004. Admittedly, I've been very selective with the entries which stay and those which don't but this little piece of the world wide web was there through the most trying times of my life thus far and has survived! But as with all material things. It's broken with age and use and it's rime to let it go. I'm too different a person now from the one who initially wrote in here. And I guess bidding farewell is my little way of starting anew. :) thanks euphorica. You have served me well.

wow it has been a ball of a summer. EVERYWHERE i have set foot in, i have had so much more fun than i initially expected. and all the while, i'm constantly grateful for a million things; mostly the ppl around me (essentially what makes for everything!). :) the cynic in me can't help the nagging feeling that a roll of good things like this is a prelude to a big bang of mess and crash bang kaboom! of epic proportions... i don't know. and on the other hand, i also can't help the fact that the seemingly fresh change is the cause of a supposed loss which turned out to be the biggest gain of my tertiary educated life. but of course i wouldn't say it out in the open like thatttt, in FEAR of INSULTING some people. what do you think i am, a bitch? ;) ha.

1. kl for xmas and nye was amazing to say the least. you know you are having fun when you wake up not remembering how you ended back in your own bed. and in some cases, another person's.
2. queensland for 2 weeks was off the fucking hook. from brisbane to gatton to sunshine motherfuckin coast baybeh.
3. melb in jan is a blast!! i can't believe i haven't spent jan in melb before. there is much to do. like watch/attend tennis, big day out, st kilda fest etc. etc. etc.
4. huiyoong's arrival- this time for a week!
5. random trip with my housemates to hobart...WHICH IS 100X MORE AWESOME THAN MELBOURNE but no one bothers to go to find out !
6. the arrival of htet-ty tomorrow! <3
7. and then the penny+tracy trip to sydney!

as you can see, hitting the books in march is going to be a major pain in the ass.

the other day i was talking to the boyfriend. and i realised that sometimes i hate/change/avenge without realising that i in fact, do. it's not only i am confronted by a similar situation a second time and respond to it completely differently that it hits me that some event at some point in time have impacted me so much so that i have changed.  but i'm not one of those ppl to decide on the implementation of a change consciously from a sudden epiphany or finding about themselves and the chemistry of changing circumstances. soooo, these seemingly little changes, at some point in time, dawns upon me as 180 degree turn of events (or state of mind in this situation). AND I MAINTAIN; IT IS ALWAYS FOR THE BETTER. i always question God and higher beings why why why why why like a gloved child. and it ALWAYS is for the better. the biggest most disastrous things that happen really do make you stronger. sorry for being cliche, but i have always believed that ppl repeats themselves because it is that important and true.

so maybe i become a little more broken and fingers a little more callussed with every turn, but it's called a defence mechanism we all deserve to have. and the ability to accept one's fate and situation is a gift, i reckon. sometimes you just have to break off the 'most important' things in your life to realise the real insignificance of it, and to open your eyes and see things more deserving of you, and you, more deserving of them. it is indeed true that some things have to be sacrificed for a better thing to come into your life. and with that thought, all that hatred and rage someone usually feels for something which have wronged them... suddenly becomes gratitude. if it weren't for that wretched thing you did to me, i would have never found that joy/love/happiness etc. so thank you! haha, and at the same time, some things don't change. i still laugh at inferior beings, broken english and small minds. only this time the bullseye's set on you. ;)

it's almost funny how selective a person's memory can be; the most obvious instance of which is demonstrated during funerals where only a person's positives are amplified and faults are forgotten. but then again, objectivity kicks in and sometimes good riddance does not make sense either ways. goodbyes are hard, especially in cases like this. i know you's are not going anywhere and i know you're just a call/train ride away but i can't stop the heart from it being heavy.

***

this weekend was awesome to say the least. i'm moved into my new apt for one and fri started with the boyfriend and i buying our new washing machine and fridge [!!!] from harvey norman for $1000 haha go cheapskate international students. then straigiht to papa gino's for lunch with like 15 other ppl where i met pip, naked olympics extraordinaire. before we get to the spot @ MU to do some brainstorming and such for the LC plans for 2010. knowing that the budget is due jan 3 is like nervewrecking coz angela and i only had transition thurs and was nowhere near done fri noon. 5pm came and off to smith st we went, to a bar where handover speeches were made and legacy items passed on to successors. loved the state manager coat. covered in grime and written in fabric ink, and had a history of the 05/06 SM putting in minced pork in the left pocket and (drum roll) coat cannot be washed. watching J balls plonk it on darkus' back was awesome; the man who wears nothing unless its more than 200AUD and is DKNY or along such lines. 2 cuban cigars, and 3 cocktail shots for the laydees aka penny mae and i later, it was HOME TIME where i absolutely crashed.

saturday was massive.
met at 10am. broke into LCs and devised overall vision, strategies, goals based on internal and external analysis until 2.45pm. by that time, we had a massive amt of freddo and kitkat wrappers strewn across the desks, and multiple laptop cables criss crossing everywhere. security guard was mostly going wtf are these ppl and why are they at uni on a sat? AFTER EXAMS NO LESS. after lunch, rob decided to have ppl wrap me up in tissue roll as a mummy together with ella. mayuri and mae had the privilege of giving me illusionary boobies. MORE fcking brainstorming till they kicked us out of the rooms at 5.30 and we moved into the open areas to continue strategising. by this time; restless and tired. cbf. and bottles and bottles of V along the tables. 6.45pm- initiatives left, rob declared alcomohol time and monash eb smashed out on vodka + disgusting tropical juice. asian flushed olivia mae and i. literally pick out the moment aiesec monash started having vodka coz the plans didnt make horse sense. alex distributed awesome fcking gifts to everyone. mine is a piglet jellybean dispenser which comes out from its ass. cola and lemon jellybeans; looks like poo. defines me, they say. :).

7.ish; head to chilli cafe. shotgun NOT played on table. i lost TWICE. first time had to be table bitch walk down and grab serviettes for ppl. 2nd time ate rob's fckin dried chilli and was the worst moment of my life. CRIED in front of the 20 odd ppl there. promised myself revenge. evelyn olivia mae and i go to target to buy wellingtons and poncho for sunday. target closed. group goes to james squire brewery. i go sleep.

wakey early. 10am and its freaking raining. cup of chai and a task list.
summary of the day:
pip and penny staging a massive breakup scene in the middle of the street.
busking twinkle twinkle lil star in front of a spanish couple earning us a dollar.
buying my first big issue.
ordering a 30 cent ice cream CONE from macca's and getting told off by the store manager for using a camera in macca's.
hailing a cab just to ask him the time and taking a picture with him.
helping a perfectly able guy across the road.

yep. all on video. or pictures.
awesome stuff.
got drenched by rain at rooftop bar.
moved to cookie for grading. another session and downing of sambuca shots set aflame in the mouth. 4.30pm guys.
workshop for drinks. revenge on rob by purchasing collon wafer sticks and removing the strawberry filling, stuffing wasabi inside and replacing the sides with strawberry cream. dinner with mark from perth!! and then max b with everyone. home.

***

i am truly glad i invested (and am planning to invest) the time and effort into these rships. you guys are so worth it and are the best things which have happened to me since yac back in high school. so supportive of my dreams and so encouraging when i'm down (which is rarely the case haha hehe). everything that has been done and said to me, i appreciate and i love. we will work towards great things. <3.
but on top of all that, the sadness is there. i will miss.

so i got to thinking. that everything and everyone happens for a reason.
i figured i was never one to need/ask for sympathy. i never needed it or expected it and i have never victimised myself for the sake of looking like the good guy. & i don't see myself doing it in the near future, regardless of the circumstance. i do however, expect of people, some decent level of empathy. i guess alot of people have albeit opposing thoughts about how to live life. Somehow it has been preached that life can only be led via facades and lies. justifications for the monsters we are.

i know there are honest people out there.
but these are ppl less credible [in my eyes] than ones who can lie, fck up and make a mess of themselves and then say honestly that they screwed up.


// but then again, i do think suicide & divorce a more courageous thing than fighting to live & marriage. ha, ha.

anyways, the point is; at the end of the day- all earthly glory comes to pass.
no one will be there to watch or judge when you pick your nose and fck it if it feels good picking your damned nose then you decide to do it. if you can honestly true to your heart feel good abt the amt of humanity you have invested in your life and others, and if you are truly happy with the thoughts that run through your head; then by all means you hv had a happy life. what are good looks, dior bags, champagne, drugs and men?
..................................................................................... SOMETIMES I THINK I AM BIGGER THAN THE SOUND.

at the same time, we hv to live with 6billion other people breathing the same air under the same faded sky.
& not one thought or sound is lost in translation.
liars and masterminds only find at the end tt they surround themselves with a quality of men only worthy of what they give in. farmers reap what they sow, & so will you. alas the only ppl attracted/who stick by these masks of men are (a) those not fcking intelligent to see through & (b) the friendless.

at the end of the day, if you lost what you have held closest to you, & if your self-esteem is determined by the rise & fall of another, what are you but doomed to insignificance for the rest of your life?



xoxo.

i come bearing a bedtime story! quite sad and funny one.

there was a race.
and 2 athletes.
1 ran for the country, 1 for her school. (sad i know)
school runner knew she'd never be able to beat country runner. ever. no shit sherlock.
prize of $1000 at stake.
so the race began.
school runner used oil, black magic, sticks & stones.
school runner won. country runner was battered, injured & bruised.
school runner smirked and ran to her prize, basking in all the glory; what did she achieve? fame. (wanna say fortune but $1000 ain't shit issit?) PRIDE.
country runner was scorned; if she rocked up to the media and told of the truth, and school runner's cheating ways; she'd be stoned for "attempting to steal the lime light" from the underdog. if she didn't, how would she explain to her manager? to herself? to mr. veritas and mr. equitas?
and so she was ridiculed and shamed, taunted and shoved aside by her team, by her country.
what sort of well-loved country runner could not beat a school runner?

for days she felt like crappola- pic of school runner splashed on papers to rub salt into the wound.

and then...
how much OIL and BLACK MAGIC and STICKS & STONES can she use?
how much self integrity and dignity would one put on the line for earthly glory?
how many times would she be able to pull this shit off?
how long will it take for these half-arsed talentless spectators who know not a flying fuck about running to get bored of this non-factor and move on with better things to talk about and new gossip?
which real country will abandon their sportsmen?
$1000 prize money? she was a fucking runner for her country. she doesn't need the fucking pitiable amount.

in the end, she felt sympathy for the school runner. must have been hard running against her. must have sold her soul to the devil for the ill-gotten fame that she now possesses, temporarily that is. she needed it more than me, she thought. oh well. dirt of the shoulder!

david beckham @ world cup?

bah! the best thing about the whole situation is this:
me: hey hey *** imagine is blablabla did that to you?
him: hahaha... blablabla will NEVER do that to me.
and we are supposed to say the same about the people we know.

FUCK THIS IS AWESOME.
!!!!@!!!@#@

i got that fire-fire-fire on the dancefloor!!!

i think a lot of people do things without knowing what they are playing at. if they are so far out of the league they are playing another game? imho, if you want to invest so much effort and time into something, at least make sure the other person cares.. LOL! so fucking funny can die dot com. sigh. rip off lines and jokes and single white female happenings but the truth of the matter is... take a look at the people who get conned and sucked into facades. look at the quality of the ppl (if there is any). anyways, i think the world has maintained a great way to remain round. like ROUND like a ball? racial injustice in malaysia only serves towards the strength of one particular suppressed race hence they always become stronger and the protected always become more incompetent etc. same goes for a lot of things. to become better, one must first dispose of all the shit in his/her life aka DETOX! today i picked up my phone and she was like: fuck man!! someone smart once said you're not going to get better from hanging out with idiots all the time. and its so damned true!!
and i just burst out laughing in the middle of campus because ... aiyar, because lah.
in her case, i think people stop encouraging her either because (a) they undermine you or (b) they know you can do well but don't want you to or (c) they can never for the life of (insert whoever's name here) achieve as much as an inch of what you can or (d) ALL OF THE ABOVE. wawawa MCQ.
ANYWAYS! received good news for ppl who love bad news today! YIPPEE this means i'm spending my year travelling woohoo. HEY HEY HEAR HEAR if i went to a club dressed in pyjamas i might as well stay at home la diu. lowlifes.
d guetta for life omgbbqwtf y'all not gonna understand this shizzo; achieve higher state of mind play mgmt and eots on repeat. and ENJOY your fakeness and pretend u have fun, hehe. see u on the other side yo!

Who knew writing a platform was going to be so hard!?

It's almost like a frigging assignment.

"And since she is not going to grace us with her presence tomorrow, we have the option of moving our PARTEH to somewhere where it will not take us 1 hour + to get into."

awww... honestly!

i made such a HUGE mistake with the flights it's not even funny. was consciously telling myself to book the night after the VII plans, BUT found out like couple hours ago that i'm flying home tmr night. what a poo. things always happen for a reason though. one more day, and possible party time with the girlies at home so i guess i'm not complaining!

anyways. to address somethin'-somethin' that needs a little commentin' on. people always like to think they are indispensable. and while i think it's human nature, i think the degree to which you are in fact dispensable depends a lot on knowing yourself. i've seen ugly, i've seen bad and i've seen the best that people can offer. but what i can say is i never regret sticking to the values and principles i promise myself to uphold. whether that necessarily leads to ultimately good or bad outcomes, i think it an honourable thing if you can look back and say well, at that point in time, i didn't know it would turn out this way but i stuck to what i believed in and so there! not to sound like some martyr, but if the silly things can bring joy and content to some at the expense of ppl with bigger hearts then so be it. it's like robin hood's robbing the rich and giving to the poor. if something bad were to happen, might as well be unto the one with the capacity to handle it rather than the weak. lashing and flashing might do the trick but sometimes, and i quote wendy on this; logic and sensible thinking does not work when you try to rationale with a wall.
Walls and Dogs.
i do not feel the need to hmm, how do i word it? critique? insult? on the actions of others, merely because i would only be teaching ppl lessons they do not deserve. but u know how a coin always has two sides. recently, i have seen and felt things unimaginable for some ppl. epic events in life where i would draw upon in the future and say... omg if i could keep that sort of happiness in my pocket for the rest of my life; i would be the person who has it all. honestly the people i have filled my life with are 100% awesome. i say it again and again, because it's so true. :) i would go into the details of what some have done/gone through for me but someone once said if something was really important to you, don't talk abt it - ingenius.

i accepted the nomination for the eb elections, and being on the org comm for RnR night, as well as having an assignment due 2/10 means that i have approx 23 hrs to settle all this shit. and get eucalyptus oil for the aunt.

respect the parents.
not only through word, and what you tell others.
but through deed.
are you old enough to be responsible for yourself and to fulfill your responsibilities towards them?
if you are, are you doing a good job of it?

conditions, occasions, facts. and i just found my new tattoo.

putting up with immature nonsense from a child is one thing right, but putting up with childishness from a supposed adult is unneeded. i don't even know why i care to try to make conversation with you for the sake of being civilised and trying to be mature about it. it's come to the point where the humour has worn out and the annoyance has just flared, and it's seriously like just grow up lor.

if you can't deal with it, then you can't lah okay. and if you say you can deal with it then act your age not your shoe size and attempt to act a bit more grown up i beg you not only for my sanity but for your dignity too. i have a limit as to how much i am willing to try and honestly the sort of intellect you have to offer is not worth all the crap you pile on top of it. you're like chandler who uses humor and annoyance to hide deeper feelings but the loveable thing about him is that he has an actual personality under all that bullcrap. yours, on the other hand, i have long felt, IS your personality.

you don't even have the social ability to make friends and the friends you have you can barely keep a proper conversation with, yet you have the cheek to make rude remarks and LOA comments which i can brush off easily as just "you" and something you do. I am making excuses for you now. then from all these stupid comments you blip at me from time to time you dare to pass a judgment on me in my face? see how much you can wank yourself to happiness lah.

much annoyance,
tracy.

Doing:
1. Conceptualising AIESEC's Leadership Development Passport proposal and template.
2. Organising AIESEC's Mentorship Night in lieu of the Mentorship Program.
3. Bits and pieces of research for assignments due 14th, 22nd and 25th September.

Listening to:
1. David Guetta ft. Kid Cudi - Memories
2. David Guetta ft. Akon - Sexy Bitch (but who's not listening to this eyh?)
3. Calvin Harris - I'm Not Alone (Deadmau5 remix)
4. Laroux - In For The Kill (Skream Remix) yang konnonnya adalah Lapsap's favourite which they played towards the end of their set. Tapi yg mereka main in Supre adalah remix yg paling best tapi tak dapat cari sial.
5. Sidney Samson's Riverside (I can't get enough)
6. Ting Ting - Great DJ (Calvin Harris remix)
7. Bass Kleph & Stellar - I Spend My Money
8. Jeremiah - Birthday Sex (some funky mash up with Lady Gaga's Love Game)
8. AND THE BEST; Audiomash - INFINITY RIGHT NOW (mash-up of Guru Josh Project's Infinity and Akon's I Wanna Make Love Right Now)

Reading:
1. Capital Markets and Funding (urgh)
2. The Game; Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists
3. Xiaxue's blog

Watching:
1. The Pick-Up Artist

Playing:
1. Supermarket Mania
2. Airport Mania
3. THEME HOSPITAL

Looking fwd to:
1. SM Elections tomorrow evening
2. LCP Elections Saturday afternoon
3. KUALA LUMPUR ON THE 27TH OF SEPTEMBER

Obssessed:
1. Nando's Fiesta meal
2. MATADOR aka. Stan Tayi fucking hottest guy to have walked the planet and man who can pull off a feather boa and frigging fishnet singlet-thingo!@#