euphorica

CAN'T WAIT FOR THURSDAY NIGHT.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 02:23:29 GMT

"no matter how you irk me, or how many annoying trivial comments you make to sound well-liked by the ppl ard you (and trust me, i knw for a fact you are not), my urge to give you what they call "a piece of your own mind" is replaced by the cold, devillish satisfaction of knowing that you will never, ever be truly happy inside. no matter how hard you try to smile and dance to our tune, no matter how you try to be bigger than the sound, no matter hard you try to make Love love you back and no matter how hard you try to splatter your life in sparkles and colour, I have the sick privilege of knowing that your crack cocaine is gone, together with the serotonin and dophamine and along with it, pure bliss that will never be as amplified as before you touched your drug."

CHINCILLA IS DYSLEXIC.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 04:46:01 GMT

so,
i am all for capital punishment. especially when it's inflicted on people with HORRIBLE grammar and a crockful of shit pronunciations [!] I'm no English major either but omgggg, what is up with people who go...
Opps (it's oops dammit)
Laughters (there is no plural for laughter and NO, not even if you have laughed more than once! pancake fan x 100000000)
Boxer (they are referring to what boys wear if they don't wear briefs btw)
HOR-nest (HOR-nestly?!?!?!!! Go back to... [insert name of Asian country here with world's highest population count, teeheehee])

okay, now that's done with; what do you all think of Badawi stepping down? hmm... yes yes and G20 summit is to start soon- albeit with some chaotic riots as silver lining. the Obama's are pretty slick with the royalty. and whilst we are on the topic of politics

my ambition is to become the First Lady of France !
- don't ask me why and go do your homework.

so yesterday I was folding cancer council letters with catherine; future Genetic Disease Counselor (i know right? hedge fund manager sounds so boring all of a sudden) and I got like 19 paper cuts all over my body! but ya, I never knew folding fricking receipts can be quite fun. oh besides going GOOD MORNING, CANCER COUNCIL VICTORIA, TRACY SPEAKING like 18247847 times throughout the day too. all part of the job, eh? and we were in this training module working on like those MS-DOS looking computers from 1994 we used to play Space Invaders on; almost pulled my hair out of my head.
catherine: ok now, click on my computer...
(long pause while the little time capsule mouse icon flips over.. and over.. and over.. and a couple times more)
catherine: .. and wait for like a day..

i got brazillian waxed with nat after! (and I really doubt maria's brazillian so maybe I should ask for my money back hurr hurr)

i have been travelling to clayton almost every-damned-day have i mentioned? not that i minddd, it's nice when i do eventually get there; after the train to caulfield and the bus from caulfield to clayton. but in the weary depths and wildlife of the godforsaken zone 2 is where my beloved Michelle Rosenburg teaches dance class. she is the hottest most awesomestest person with the gorgeousest face and ass and BOOBS!!!! and watching her prance around in trackies is now an official pasttime. i'm president of my university's MR Appreciation Club. i was trying to tell nic how nice a chorey dance was last week and it kinda came out : Shit, she's hot- wtf... I meant the dance is good. How the hell did it- my mind's not working!!! Nic just patted me on my shoulder and nodded understandingly.

oh yeah so mayuri and erin are chairing today's local committee meeting and i do not get to go! because of classes. and that probably means i don't get to go to ANY this semester. blah. and to think i joined AIESEC in hopes of meeting tall, handsome germans. ha! oh, my motives are out in the open for the world to deploy and attack. i'm all for social and cultural integration, and urr actively taking up leadership roles and oh yeah lets not forget world peace.

AND TODAY, LIKE JUST NOW, LITERALLY LIKE JUST NOW.
achinnymous says (2:59 PM):
He believed the condition was caused by the failure to establish hemispheric dominance in the brain.[9] He also observed that the children he worked with were disproportionately left- or mixed-handed,
*gasp*
achinnymous says (3:00 PM):
am I really Dyslexic?
tocabitch says (3:00 PM):
huh huh huh
achinnymous says (3:00 PM):
=(
tocabitch says (3:00 PM):
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
AHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
..
yes

i made chin put on my supre top yesterday. *snigger, snigger*

omg i have this assignment due like next thursday and my consultation hr's at 5 at caulfield and lcm's at 6 in clayton and darkus, mahima, and erin & mayuri want me to go but like i have class at 6 till 9 and then kev will kill me because i said i'd be in class. so should i cut class and go to the lcm. or shld i go to caulfield for consultation and then go for lcm at clayton and then go back to caulfield for (what's left of) class or or or. OMG!

okay, my thoughts are very disconnected. right? right? right? i haven't been updating. there's not been ONE BIG EPIC THING THAT HAS HAPPENED in my life recently; just a series of epic things. time is not enough omg i'm waking up early and sleeping late every night omg. but what i want to say is this!!!

I HAVE A GREAT JOB and ppl there are FUNTASTIC (dn fcking jump me on my type dammit, it was on purpose RAWR)
I HAVE A GREAT HOUSEMATE who i can bitch with, fight with, eat with (yay mushrooms!.. yay slow eaters club!) and who doesn't check on me when my door is closed and the lights are on inside for like 10 hours to see if i REALLY am inside or not and is shocked when i eventually come home at night to a note slipped under the door asking HELLO? IS YOU ALIVE? hurr hurr. also a reminder to me not to be mean to bad spelling because dyslexic. people. exist. tracy. get. it. into. your. head!
I HAVE FUCKING GREAT FRIENDS who i see fleetingly because i run from place to place nowadays buttt... easter holidays are coming up! :D
I HAVE THE WORLD'S AWESOMEST BOYFRIEND (insert corny comment about how the sun rises and the moon sparkles in his eyes etc etc description blah blah blah)
I HAVE KICK-ASS PARENTS who make lame jokes and deny it.
I LOVE MY CLASSES and everyone in them. esp you kev!!
I LOVE AIESEC besides it being the only place in melb i see yellow black brown and white coloured skin people in one room, these ppl actually love each other!
I LOVE VOLUNTEER WORK because folding envelopes and bitching with catherine is fun.

so really, i am perfectly in bliss right now. :D

AND HE IS THE ONE.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:37:09 GMT

Buttons for eyes
Twigs for hair.
Nails for breakfast
Tacks for snacks.
Rug for a heart
Wires for nerves.
He pushes me in a shopping cart
and talk talk talk abt our loves.

Deathcab for music
Comfort in likemindedness
He's stupid like me
I strum strum strum chord E.

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.
But two's too many too!
you're one half of a soul
and then I can be the other
the male to my female
the bride to my groom
the car to my petrol

And we've got
Drugs for blood
Cigarettes for lunch
Speyside for water
Asphalt for a bed
Each other, forever.

MANHATTAN AND MELBOURNE.

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 15:06:00 GMT

i've been drawing (read: scrawling) and writing (read: scribbling) a lot these past couple of days playing around with the idea of fate. and chemistry.
the latter i have always believed in; but wondered abt the mechanics of.
and the first my mind a pendulum swings back & forth depending on situations.
sometimes i blame it on my star sign (on which i blame all my flaws on)
the fact that i just feel like i NEED to have an opinion about e.v.e.r.y. issue.
i can't be nonchalant, or ambivalent.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole. 
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound. 
But while you debate half empty or half full, 
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown.

CHILDISH THOUGHTS CONSUME.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 16:36:29 GMT

I like corndogs.
And funny quotes.
I like laughing in the sun.
I love my friends,
and my parents.
And having nothing to do on Sundays.
And I like movies.
Swimming.
And sand.
Getting a tan, and massages.
I discovered I like snowboarding
and surfing
And I especially love roller coasters.
And screaming
Concerts, music

but I love it most.
when an ex-boyfriend gets what he deserves.
when the shit hits the fan
and lands in his face.

POLE DANCING CLASSES!

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:37:40 GMT

Well it's back to all that red tape again; I can't believe I signed up for another 2 years in an educational institution[!] but am looking forward to it all the same! Been sitting on my ass reading about immigration guidelines and visa requirements as well as enrolment information for a long time now... and I've come to the conclusion that... Ikea's AUD25 chairs not NOT certified to be anything close to ergonomic. And that's a gross understatement!

Omg Chin's apartment now looks like a storage warehouse, what with Nat and Slinky's stuff in the living hall. I had to take pictures and send it via MSN to her so her heart doesn't stop when she walks in on the 18th! Coupled with the fact that my deodorant bottles, sanitary pads, tampons and all kinds of moisturising and cleansing products are threatening to burst out of her MANY MANY toilet cabinets... and that my shoes are stacked AROUND the miserable lone shoe rack we have in addition to the ones already ON it!@#

So I have perfected the art of moving into Neo 200, considering I have went 123945493832098 rounds with Matt and my parents and had more practise today with N&S!
1. Stop cab at entrance.
2. Take stuff out bag after bag and lay on tar floor outside apartment.
3. Once step 2 is done, beep door open and have one person wait with stuff while remaining 2 take turns walking in and out of apartment doors, swiping the card and punching the exit button repeatedly.
4. Once step 3 is done, get same individual with wait with items and 2 remaining now move bag after bag of stuff to sofa area.
5. Once step 4 is done, all push/drag/barely hold up bags and wait in front of miniscule hallway to elevators.
6. Press 'up' button with pinky as other fingers to busy holding up ketchup bottles, ugg boots and what-nots.
7. Move everything into elevator.
8. Bear with woman's monotonous voice going "Please stand clear of the closing doors" at least 3 times.
8. Stop in between Ground and destination for someone coming into the lift who WILL stare at your sweaty friends and you and skim the items in the lift as they are nuclear warheads and weapons of mass destruction.
9. Arrive at floor and person in lift will reluctantly hold door open for you and your friends, and you repeat step 8.
10. Repeat step 4 but to the front of apartment door instead.
11. Open apartment door.
12. Keep apartment foor open with heavy box.
13. Repeat step 4 but into living room.

We were craving for a swim at the end of all this.

So we went. Nat, Slinky and me.
the water HAD to be less than 4 degrees.
and you'd think we'd be smarter than that to ignore a clear sign from God to NOT have any part in swimming tonight when this dude came out in effing swimming TRUNKS (didn't that die in 1992 or something?) his pot belly saying Hello! to the fricking world. we dipped our feet into the water and cringed..
and jumped in.
I think Slinky and I were hyperventilating at one point.
And then we kept doing laps because we thought that would keep our bodies warm; which it did for a while.. and then it just got too much to take because everytime I stopped my laps for a minute or so, the same icy feeling washed over me all over again and we all left.

Shivering into the lift. and into the apartment... warm shower.
filled up my furry hot water bottle inherited from The Ruins of Tina.
and then chucked my chill pill beads into the freezer. made some mushroom soup
went to bed with a warm soup belly hugging my hot water bottle at 12.40am. after 2 months of sleeping at sunrise regardless of continent location and...
WOKE UP AT 3AM!@# with what felt like a gaping hole in my stomach so I made maggi and wrote this shite and read up on www.immi.gov.au

i'm so screwed for tomorrow.

MAKE ME FEEL.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 10:15:02 GMT

Can love be made in fear?
you made my blood race
you breathed in my air, my flare
our sex, cigarettes, glasses of Speyside on the asphalt outside.
you tattooed your life in blood in me/

Itbtn.

ATB'S AUTUMN LEAVES.

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 22:54:28 GMT

There comes a point in time when you realise you have done too much, where you have stuck your head out too far, where you have put too much at stake. Where you cut the ties, and things will never ever be the same again. Ever.

I didn't cry.
I'm surprisingly calm.
Although every night, I stay up until the first ray of sunlight sneaks through my curtains because it's easier to fall asleep alone when it's not dark.

I have my share of sins and secrets.
My turn at evil, my play of words.
It's like being in a car crash and waiting for the first impact, but realising it will never come because you have had the taste of a million before and so acts as a natural painkiller.
There is no hurt no pain, just a numbing echo doof doof doof.

"You fell in love with the girl I was. She's gone." she said.
Bang bang, your baby shoots you down.
And my cheated heart is a cheating heart.

I'M SLIDING OFF THE WORLD.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:03:32 GMT

I've been struggling for a long time since I touched down in the motherland to pen up a half-decent blog entry. I've loaded Blogdrive a thousand times over only to click on the big red X again and again. I can't exactly put a finger on it.. but I'm finding it hard to block and line my going-outs, and these thoughts that traverse the insides of my head:: an extremist at heart. The shit I do is fun and the shit I feel when I'm alone are... lowest of the low, sometimes.

So I've been talking to people; the same people who make me whole. And we're in the same struggling boat. A boat no one can bring themselves to float unless you are in our very shoes. Do you know that feeling when you come home to your apartment at night and the dishes still sit in a pile in your basin, and your socks are still strewn in front of your door and your bed is still unmade from this morning? You love it; it's exactly how you left it. It is home. Move something, clean something, drop something; and it feels like crap- like coming home to room service hotels. Tis' the life of me, and many others I assume. KL is home base, and I know I go to Melbourne and make new memories, and have so much fun that could last some ppl a lifetime but when I come home, I have expectations of places and people and how I'd fit into all of those, ignoring the fact that they are variables who act around the changes that take place whilst I'm away. And I'm selfish I know. But... it pains to know that your role to play in a scene of life has been taken away.

Same house, different room.
Same ride, different car.
Same radio station, different hits.
Same Colbie Callat, different single.
Same house, but empty.
Same boy, different attitude.
Same best friend, different routine.

But, at the same time I have been indulging in the most unhealthy yet crazily enjoyable wild party lifestyle which is inevitable when in KL but almost illegal and unreal this time around.. everyday is some form of intoxication or another. And every night is plans lined up, zooming around, multiple groups of friends, and at one point sleeping at 7am and waking up close to 5pm everyday. Random road trips planned on the spot and the day before. And marathon drinking days/weekends starting from the first one since I got back planned till the coming one (and mind you our weekends span Wednesday through to Sunday nights). Not being at home for days at a go, and then coming home for a night only to leave again for another roll of absence. I've been shitfaced the past 3 nights I hope the puking equates to loss of mass? One can only hope lah!

Speaking of which, my emoness peaked today! But that's another story for another time.
It's funny how sometimes people choose poison over water because of mystery. Because of probability... and routine. Of course on paper you are perfect but artistically you are less than. So is love and life art or science? They both comprise of the ability to create something unthinkable and nonexistential out of nothingness, yet art is instinctive and science is knowledge and rule. Today I felt a rage so strong rising at the back of my head I can almmost swear I felt the bile riding up my throat and forcing its way through. Hmm, on second thought it could have been the whiskey but you know, my head grew hot and the entire feeling js coursed through my veins and made it so physical. At times like thissssssssssssss.....

Bob Marley says:::

Don't you worry about a thing. 'Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright.

FROM YOUR MOUTH.

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 21:14:49 GMT

I love photos.

But I feel sometimes that photos are not so much about capturing the moment and rather, fabricating them instead. Who smiles in unison and look towards a general direction together all the time anyways.

I guess I let my selfishness shroud my rationale.
I keep playing the victim sometimes, it's always abt me me me. And I never allow for the possibility, even, of your hurting; just because you nv express yourself. And the shit part is that I know that abt you. Me of all people. And then one day things get so crazy and I'm a superbitch to you; and everything comes rolling out of your mouth and I'm hearing your feelings (which is a first) and then I'm scared because I was comfortable not seeing that side of you.. and then I felt incredibly sorry. Because I always thought it was hard for me. Even now. And I always assume the best of you, ignoring the fact that you are human like me after all. You js have a really fcked-up warped way of expressing your emotions, which is in all honesty, why I loved you in the first place[!] And now that's out in the open I feel shit. And I feel like telling you this:
1. I never left you.
2. I was not going back to my life in Australia.
3. My life is back here in KL.
4. Australia's js how it's been planned and I wasted the days away, getting by with thoughts of coming back home to you.

But if I said all that, I would be a lying bitch.

So instead I keep quiet and I say sorry but of course you would tell me it's okay. I knew that before I opened my mouth. And if you're not going to give that to me, I'm going to make up my own closure for us.

It's so weird.
We're singing old songs in a different tune and doing old drugs with different machines.
And I love this boy, but he doesn't live here anymore.